On Saturday, January 21, 2023, the eve of Lunar New Year, a man opened fire at a dance studio in Monterey Park, killing 11 people. Lian Zhang, who grew up in South San Gabriel, a city adjacent to Monterey Park, flew home from the bay to see her family that weekend for the new year celebrations. On her flight back to the Bay Monday night, she wrote this reflection piece.
1/23/2023 10:02PM
i don’t even know where to start
monterey park
mass shooting
11 people died
i’m devastated
then
half moon bay
3 days later
7 people
im numb
dance studio
lunar new year festival
mushroom farm
does it matter
it was so close to home
right in our backyard
it could have been my mom
it could have been my aunt
it was someone’s mom
it was someone’s aunt
it was actually
someone my mom worked with
the owner of the dance studio
ming wei ma
he is supposed to come in tomorrow
a part of his routine
tuesdays he teaches dancing to elders at the Unicare Daycare in el monte
he would walk in
and my mom would greet him
‘ma lao shi hao’
tomorrow was also supposed to be their LNY celebration
but tomorrow
my mom won’t be wearing red
she’ll be wearing black
she won’t greet ma lao shi
i asked her today
how are you feeling
she said
im fine
i cried in front of her
and i’m trying to grieve with her
but she’s an immigrant mother
who doesn’t know how to express sadness
she’s an immigrant mother
who is just trying to be strong for her daughter
when i told her secretly that i was going to the vigil
i was scared she wouldn’t want me to go
bc they had been working all day to prepare the lunar new year dinner
i felt guilty for wanting to go and missing part of this big dinner
but when i told her
she touched my face and said in chinese
‘aww gwaai neoi’
aww my good child
my friends and i went early to the vigil
it started at 7 but we met up at 6
we had to get home for our LNY dinners
and i had to catch my flight back to the bay at 8
i picked up some candles
robert got flowers
we tried to pay our respects and to mourn together
squatting underneath the flower arrangements
we lit 50 tea lights and formed them into the shape of hearts
while a sea of photographer flocked in front of us trying to get the perfect photo
all i heard were the camera shutters as we lit these candles
i was annoyed
when we finished we huddled together to the side
and we were approached by multiple reporters
do they really care
they asked
do you live in monterey park
no
are you part of a youth group
no
we don’t fit into your idea of who would be here
you have a story already written and you’re looking for people who fit that mold
maybe that’s not true but that’s how i felt
although later confirmed when
an officer was questioned by a reporter
where do you live
they said san gabriel
and the reporter reacted surprised
this is a tragedy that extends outside these arbitrary city limits
my address is not in monterey park
but this is my community
this city hall that we’re here for the vigil?
my friends and i came here when pokemon go first came out
bc there was a big gym here
the library across the street?
that’s where i grew up spending my weekends in my elementary years looking for roald dahl books
this is my community
this is my people
the studio where the shooting happened
i probably have driven past hundreds of times
my cousin and aunt peeked into the studio just two weeks ago
my aunt said she wanted to maybe try taking classes there
now my cousin doesn’t even want to drive past the area
it’s too sad
my dad has always been the type to be afraid to go out
we didn’t grow up eating out at restaurants as a family
he stays at home all day to watch the house
my mom would have taken dance and english classes
if he wasn’t so protective
he’s always saying
it’s dangerous
and i always felt he was too close minded
that nothing so bad would happen here
it’s a safe community
it’s the 626
an ethnic enclave filled with a huge chinese and vietnamese population
where boba shops and HK cafes close at 2AM
now
he and many others in the area
will feel even more unsafe
i have this dream of wanting a tighter knit asian american community in the 626
i want to be a part of organizing efforts to make that happen
and as i’m processing this all
i’m not sure how to feel
is that dream farther away
can it still happen
or is this where i begin
Lian Zhang is the Chinatown Operations Associate at APEN. She was born in GuangXi, China and immigrated to East Los Angeles with her family when she was six years old. Lian has been living in the East Bay for the last 4 years. She spends her free time making dishes that remind her of home.
